Me and football have long had this understanding that we DON’T like each other. I don’t like watching it. I don’t like talking about it. And I certainly don’t like PLAYING it!

Ask any of my friends and they’ll agree: watching me trying to kick a ball is a sorry sight indeed. It’s almost painful! It just doesn’t go where I want it to, ever.

I remember once at university being talked into entering a team with my housemates on this piss-take sports day event. The final round was a series of obstacles that we all had to do in turn and the final obstacle was kicking a ball through a goal probably 6 feet wide and no more than 7 or 8 metres away.

I couldn’t do it

I tried and tried over and over again until it just got embarrassing and the stewards let me off so the next person on my team could get involved. I would have been completely humiliated if I gave a shit but I really didn’t so nevermind

That said, pissing about with mates one day in sixth form, I did score an amazing free kick from the 20 yard box! Complete fluke that will never happen again but I still hold on to that memory regardless